i sat here with a heavy feeling. home is supposed to make you secure. read: i dont meant i get abused every now and then. remember you ran out of the school gate when the clock striked 6pm and see mama waiting for you? asking about your recess, water bottle, pe attire and what not. when you are 8, you did not understand why does she need to do that everyday. the scene that kept playing in my head was, i wanna go home and eat my dinner follow by watching a 8pm teevee program. and damn the 'green-froggie' maths revision book and spellings.

i no longer get that since i turn 14. no more tuitions. no more tuck shops. no more 'why didnt you finish your water?" i guess it all started with, i refused to hitch a ride from my dad to school in the mornings. i have never taken a bus to school in my entire 13 years so i am gonna break free from that cycle. trying so hard to grow up and detached from my parents thinking its so damn cool. and now, prolly a fool?

i never had issue when i was in primary school. it came one day. the school rang my mom and demand to see her that afternoon. everyday after school, i had to serve detention as a punishment. i thought my mom would kill me when we got home, instead my dad sat and explain to me. since then, super cool parents stay.

i mugged hard since then. i remember for every class tests and major exams, i get up at 4.30am to study before heading school. joint down all points and read it on the bus. those notes only left my hands 1 second from entering the exam hall. worked hard for the damn scholarships because i am always 350 richer before CNY. during my last year, i was 1200 richer. and the yearly speech day. for every subject that top first in class and level, we get vouchers to kinokuniya. my parents never failed to be there on the day of prize presentations.. its the look on their faces.

everything changes when i turned 17. it got worse when i turned 19. i feel this uncertainty about the place i called home. for that few years, i was either home late or prolly wasted. no, i still love them despite all. whatever happens, happen for a reason. its just an inexplicable uncertainty from time to time. i do recall being able to manage it peacefully. and slowly, a cycle. a damn cycle. for some nights, my bro and i would sat in my room talking. crying. wondering. where's the perfect family we called home?

and i dont know, somehow along the way, seeing my bro 4 years my junior going through that, ached me so badly. i have always see him as a baby. for the period of time we shared about our thoughts, it slapped me so hard. he felt the pain too. no longer too young to understand. i wanted so badly to protect him. to shoulder what my parents are facing. it was a very wrong move because i realised, the responsibilies does not stop. at all. i was too young to understand. the reliance turn into an escape.

i began hating everything. including my parents. resenting to whatever is done. they are no longer my super cool parents. i still love them. its another different level. and somehow along the way, i turned into this defensive and aggressive young lady. and one day, my dad who doted so much on me said i have distant from them and thought i dont need them anymore. that six words literally tore me into pieces. i stood there in my yellow bathing robe, for the longest time.

years swing by. experiences written over the face. you put an effort to work and solve things rather than wasting time counting the anger. i truly missed the certainty i get. we get. i believe my brother yearn for it too.

we had learn to seek comfort within our comfort zone. but those years came back today. i sat in my room. locking it. walking away. i am at a state i do not need people to understand or show empathy. and from the bottom of my heart, i have refrained myself from thinking about it so it doesnt hurt. i dont even know if its consider hurt. i dont know what to feel. think. or say. i just wanna walk away.

for the time ticking by, i wished upon the star for someone to take me away. take me faraway.

i do want to be selfish.